‘New year, new me,’ say same old people
The people of Chapasthan, who are renowned for being oblivious to the concept of a promise, have once again prepared their New Year's resolutions.
This correspondent talked to every single person of the country to get a glimpse of what they're planning.
After repeated monumental screw-ups, the transportation sector was put in the spotlight this year. But what does it have in store for citizens in 2022?
"Our resolution is that we'll try our best to not run over students anymore," said Badrul Badshah, a bus owner, after a heavy sigh. "Everyone else is fair game though."
"Okay, we've finally learned our lesson. We should've learnt it in 2018, back when we made the same resolution, but everybody knows following through with these is really hard," said Akhlakul Ahmed Akmal, president of Chapasthan Bus Association.
"This year, we've even chalked out a plan! Using statistics, accounting and the quadratic formula, we were able to figure out the optimal point that results in the least lives lost and highest profits," he explained.
As for the waterways, launch operators are focusing on self-care this year.
"I think we should all start taking care of ourselves, because 2021 has been really hard on us. It's our responsibility to stay safe and healthy. That's why our resolution is to tell all launch passengers to bring their own fire extinguishers, and smoke detectors, and life jackets, and sprinklers..." said Md Monir, chairperson of Chapasthan Launch Gang.
Factory owners have also adopted the launch operators' resolution.
Ensuring women's rights and dignity was a challenge this year, and the year before that, and the year before that... But are better days coming?
"I promise, I won't call women late at night and degrade them," said Murad Ghapla, the former state minister for monitoring free speech. "At least for this year."
"But trust me, that woman is no saint. Do you think only I was at fault? It takes two to tango! Hey, listen to me! Where are you going?" Murad was crying out, as this correspondent was leaving the room.
Meanwhile, Chapasthan's law enforcers have made a huge resolution.
"No extra-judicial killings this year," said Swift Step Squad Commander Amanul Aman. "Unless it's really, really necessary. Y'know, like when they say mean things about us."
The biggest resolution made this year was by the majority population of Chapasthan. They have delved into the minority issue and have come up with possible solutions.
"I think it's finally time for us to be respectful and tolerant towards the other people living on our lands," said Mizanur Alam, a member of the majority. "We should let them live their lives in peace, as long as they follow what we tell them. Or else."